I Think I Might Be Gay
Fuck. I have resisted this my whole life. I really wish that I was one of those guys that surprised everyone. I wish that I could come out to people and have them tell me. “Oh, I never would have guessed!” Because believe you me: everyone guessed. A long time ago. And because I despise being pegged, I have fervently denied it. I guess for those people it sucks because they are so accepted in mainstream heteronormative society that they have to uproot their existence to come out. For me, I have successfully inhabited the periphery for the majority of my life. But somehow that’s not comforting.
Perhaps it’s my stubbornness. Perhaps it’s my overwhelming sense of infallibility. But at some point I just dug my feet against my feelings. For someone that is so taken by the idea of listening to inner voices, this is one that I’ve had gagged for a while. I still got the whisperings though. For a while I had myself convinced that I was bisexual, and this sufficed. At that point I was sure that I was attracted to men in some way, but I was so attached to the American dream, so taken in my the promise of my 2.5 kids and suburban bliss that I didn’t want to give it up. I mean, I still think that I am attracted to women, if only marginally. And the idea of having sex with a woman doesn’t gross me out or anything (I think). Somehow, though, I like men more–and that means I have to accept that I will not achieve all of those things in the same manner. And that hurts.
And so I went along telling myself, and the few people that I was out to that I was bisexual. And then I met L. And I loved him with my entire self. I was lost in him. And he loved me (even though he had a girlfriend) and the more I told myself that it should end, I could not extract myself. I have never felt that for a woman. A few times I’ve had very strong crushes. If, perhaps, a woman had ever taken it upon themselves to fall for me, perhaps I could know for sure, but I don’t, and I doubt I ever will. Right now I’m dating (very loose term here) a guy, J, that I met at a club. It is VERY casual, he’s significantly older than me, and I think that J likes me more than I like him. But we are dating, and this is something that could be a relationship, and that’s more than I have ever had. I would actually like to be in a relationship with another J. We’ll call him JT. But that’s another topic for another day. I hope this summer in the city goes well as far as love in concerned.
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