Frustration

I’m angry.  And I’m learning that I may be a little bit bitter.  Bitter because I have had to love in secret.  Bitter because heartbreak was always for me alone.  Bitter because with all this love to give, I am alone.  I am bitter that society has made me, in certain ways, ashamed of being myself.  Right now, I’m missing R. on a fairly simple level.  There is none of the fiery yearning that accompanied my separation from L.  However, I am simultaneously scared to allow the flames to grow to that level.  I am scared to throw myself in like I did with L. because at the moment things seem tentative in many ways.  R. is away in Maryland right now, and when he returns, he’ll only be a week before he leaves again.  He is 9 years older than me, and more experienced in the world – I fear that I will not suffice for him.  Not to mention that R. is hard to read, and while this gives him an air of mystery, it just proves frustrating for me.  Frustrating!  

So what to do?  Take it for what it is?  Love blindly?  That’s what they always say you should do.  Love like it’s the first time.  I don’t think I’m scared of the pain of the end.  I just don’t know if I’m giving myself permission to feel for someone else so strongly.  Shit.

~ por Dante en Junio 16, 2008.